To my dearest dad

 So many problems that you encountered  while we were growing up..

 Some you chose not to share with us.

 So l MAY NEVER know what you had to go through to give us your best

 Everything little and big that you did and are still doing, is in the bottom of our hearts...

 You inspired every moment of our childhood

 You took the time off your schedule for family vacations, making kites, painting  pictures, making recycle.. calendars, cycling, river baths and burning paper with a  magnifying glass.  Star gazing with a telescope, spending the weekends car washing or spring  cleaning. The memories of a  well lived life are too precious to lose.  And as we become older and realize the joys and pains of parenting we appreciate  more and more  the trouble you and mama took to implant these beautiful memories of our  wonderful childhood, deep in our hearts.  So while of rain my hands to Ask Allah to shower you with the best of both worlds, thank Him for a truly wonderful family and blend childhood that's had As a tear makes it way down my face. I see some of those dads out there who are there but never there. You were always there... I thank you for instilling good character in us, making us proud of you.

A virus takes over

Here is what I really feel

I feel scared. Even writing doesn't soothe me

Will we get through this?

Will we have enough food to feed 8 mouths?

I'm terrified

I didn't buy one single hand wash, soap or disinfectant wipe so we have to do with what we have at home. The day I went, the shelves were empty

Here are the facts ;https://ncov2019.live/data

Life is not worth all the drama

When I first came to this land... brave and free was very remote from what I was feeling... I was Lonely with a capital L.

I had never been lonely before so I didn't really understand its depths. My husband did what husbands usually do... disappearing back and forth to work and I took onto a life that was homebound, somewhat boring and adventure-less. Very much different from what I was used to. I had always been around people and friends and family and this strange feeling was something I tried to ignore. I found new hobbies and worked on things I had no time for before. I took a lot of getting used to and adapting. When the baby came, life became all about the baby but I was still extremely lonely. I had no choice about getting back to a career because for one - I had the babies and on top of that I was on an h4 visa. So I had to just wait out those five years. Sometimes I was irritable and annoyed and it was not the best years of my life. To top it off the winters were brutal and I realized cold was something I am never going to get myself to like.

Fast forward 12 years and I have not only gotten used to this different type of lifestyle of lonesomeness but in many ways actually enjoy the privacy and self time that it allows. I value my home life and love being home. The grass IS always greener isn't it? Of the things I enjoy, I mostly enjoy the freedom of being able to live life the way we would like to live it. We eat when we are hungry and sleep when we are tired and clean house when we feel like it or it gets messier than manageable. Some days are good, others are bad but most days are just ok and that's how it is supposed to be.

You see, there is really no point in having everything so rushed and well managed and well organized. People matter but not to the extent where you change your life to make them happy. I skipped a year at school and was the youngest in my class but what good did it do me?

Life will take its own course on you anyway. No matter what you do, bad and good events will take turns. Life is hard no matter what, then why make it harder by overburdening ourselves with useless activities that demand too much from ourselves when we are just a speck of dust in this universe. 100 years from now no one will even remember our names. Just imagine that and we worry so much about our reputations when we are alive. We need people and good relationships but its not worth dying trying to please everyone because we are literally dying... no matter what. lol

Life is hard enough without having to try so like my wise old spouse I decided to sit at the back seat and relax and be a passenger in the journey of life - not a driver. I worked so hard and tried to be perfect but life showed me that I have zero control over it. Since of late I have had various doubts about the one thing that always kept me together and that's my religion. I believe in God and the Prophet but I don't understand why so many things are so confused and why there are so many grey areas in key concepts.

I have learned not to stress over mundane matters. I have learned to relax and let things go. At the end of the day it simply is not worth it because life will take its course on you anyway. it took me a long time to reach this state of mind because I always tried to control everything that happened to me and at the end of the day all my hard work didn't matter and I just had to wait out things. So no, I wont push myself anymore, I wont wreck my children's childhood and I wont let bad memories happen for no reason... Happiness and fun is not everything and is definitely overated but we have to have fun.... its the one thing we love about being human, isn't it?

Its time the world knew

All that glitters is not gold
You cant believe everything that you are told
Life isn't as pretty as they say
But if you could have it any other way
What would you change what would you throw away?

The best thing about life .....

We fear
so much
Fear of poverty...
Fear of pain...
Anxiety of the situation at hand
Haunted by a wrong that we did

Nothing stays too long

The relief in life is to feel that
nothing is permanent
Everything however big or negligible, ends.

There is really no point in grudges
in ego
in judging....

We are all so caught up with life so much that we forget its just a matter of time...
Everything ends
and in that thought in it self is relief!

Alhamdelillah for the blessing of temporariness!

Us

There's been many winding roads, tall mountains and deep rivers to cross... It hasn't all been a bed of roses, but looking back, there has certainly been thousand good moments for every single bad moment. When I look forward to the rest of our lives together I cannot help but think... the best is yet to come, in Jannah!

It is a good thing that good friends are free. Mine are so precious that I would never be able to afford them! - AS

15 reasons I dislike winter

1. Everyone's extra laundry
2. Gloves and caps all over the house
3. Runny noses
4. Frizzy hair
5. Dry Skin
6. Biting Bitter cold
7. Slippery old snow
8. Narrower roads
9. Slow traffic
10. Time consuming commutes
11. More accidents
12. Parking Nightmares
13. Freezing toes and fingers
14. Seasonal Depression
15. Early sunset and not enough sunlight in the day.

Dearest mum and dad

To my darling parents who are celebrating 31 years together.
Like my children always say (and I hope they will feel the same way when they are teenagers) you both are my best friends for ever. Sometimes it is easier to tell newer friends this than it is to your own kith and kin but I love you both sooooo much and miss you every single day! May Allah shower you with his choisest blessings and may we be united soon again Insha Allah

Random thoughts blended into words that can never do justice to them

15 years ago, life was simple. America was just another lesson in my geography book. But today America means a lot.

It is here that I became a mother; it is here that I leaned to drive; it is hear that I built a home and family to continue my legacy. (Ok, excuse the over emphasis). These may seem like simple things but to a woman, it is almost everything that she can ask for. Being happy and free.

Even though we probably are living the dream I miss my homeland. Every time I cook I am reminded of the aromas from back home. The craving for some childhood comfort foods that I still miss.... their taste lingers upon my lips. Hot Nescafe at bed time brought my mum so I can stay up and work on my assignments. A dire need to be as efficient as possible. I miss the days that the only thing I had to worry about was exams and turning in projects. Hours in front of the computer with a few minutes of dial up connection. I wish I can substitute the word 'miss' with something stronger. But my limited vocabulary does not allow me to do so. I have spent my life time trying to be a perfectionist.... trying to do everything meticulously  but lately I've been learning to relax. To savor and enjoy the moment instead of cramming multiple tasks in the goal of achieving efficiency and effectiveness simultaneously. I'm learning to embrace and love myself. I am also thinking more about death. I guess we all, in our own ways learn to deal with the fact that our grey hairs are increasing, our wrinkles are beginning to form and that our posture is not as upright as it once was. My greatest fear next to death, is old age and loneliness. Who will take care of me? Will I be a botheration?

2013

2013 was a roller coaster ride full of ups and downs. The biggest down for me was losing my mother in law in May because we had planned on visiting her during the summer. I guess we will have to live with that regret. Happy memories include being able to have my children spend some time with their grand parents and all the wonderful achievements I made at the work place. After taking a much need break I returned to work to be welcome to arm loads of hugs and kisses and students cheering at my arrival. I sit quietly and ask myself as I take it all in slowly; what I did I do that make them want me back so much. It is a nice feeling to be missed. I think that teaching is a very special skill and not everyone can do it and even if you can, unless you have a passion and the will power for it, you wont be able to keep going.

Anyway, I am keeping my fingers crossed for 2014. Make the most of life. Live like you'll never die while preparing for the hereafter like I will die today, will be my motto. The children are growing up and asking questions about everything. When the husband and I argue they ask us to say sorry to each other and boy that is sooo hard.

To My Loving Brother

Ahsen, I want to wish you all the very best.

I am proud of how far you have come. Even though the hill was steep and lonely, Stormy and overwhelming, you have been strong and patient. 'Deal with the day' is my motto for life. Every day will be hard and new challenges will come our way. We will fall. We have to stand up against the wind, shovel off the snow and start walking again. Insha Allah I start working again from tomorrow. Officially, it was supposed to be today but I said I cant make it because Haroon is home with a cold and cough. My life here is very challenging as I have to do EVERYTHING on my own without any help. Its hard but its life and life wont make any sense if it was not hard. 

Study confidently. By this time, next year you will be a married man Insha Allah and a very kind hearted doctor. My duas are with you always. Do your best and leave the rest in the hands of the Al-mighty. As you take a new step in life you know that your family will always be there for you and that you can turn to us for anything.

With all my love

Your ever-loving sister

Marriage Anyone?

Some useful advice to read up on...

http://eighthrising.wordpress.com/2013/10/28/10-marriage-tips-every-wife-needs-to-hear/

Marriage is not for you

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/seth-adam-smith/marriage-isnt-for-you_b_4209837.html

http://ourbabyblog.blogspot.com/

Surviving Sandy

Despite the cruel winds, crashing rain and howling storm I feel thankful.

Thankful that underneath it all we still have fresh water from the taps and gas to cook our food.

Everything that we take for granted everyday are precious gifts. The lessons we learn are many.

Although a flood of darkness overcomes us after sunset, I still feel grateful that we have a roof over our heads and that the car and the house survived the storm.

Last year, in August, Irene gave us training. We had to leave our newly purchased home the first day we moved into it. This year again there this is this deep lingering thought as to why an area that hardly gets affected by storms of this nature, is getting affected twice in two years in a row. My heart goes out to all my neighbors, our fellow survivors and the families of loved ones who lost their lives. Clearly God has mystical ways of displaying His infinite wisdom.

As the last bar on my cell phone and the last bit of battery charge left on my laptop scream out to me to stop I am forced to go back into a technology less world to face the many challenges that were just a part of life for my grandparents and great grandparents.

It is mind boggling to think of how much we depend on electricity to run our everyday lives. Whether it is too microwave a cup of tea or entertain the children with a video, electricity has definitely proved itself to be unimaginably important.

My children would probably not remember this phase and hence one day if they read this I would like them to know that yes Sandy happened to New Jersey in 2012 and we survived it. We feared for the safety of our loved ones and the safety  of our belongings but finally  we got through it without much loss or damage. A week without power, a week to connect, to pause, to think… to collect life and to go on…

So did Sandy do us any good?

the power failure was overwhelming, the depression was worse than I thought... What good can any of this bring - definitely a valid question.

In a weird kind of way, we connected with other people hit by the storm. The same basic needs brought us together. Everyone was trying to help someone with something they needed whether it be food, medication, information or just a pat on the back.

I just hear that a snow storm is making its way towards us. While mixed feelings and emotions run through my mind… I am grateful for the little blessing we have, the numerous friends who opened their hearts to us, the neighbors - some of whom we only met because of the storm.
Life will bring us its storms and test our limits. Hope will keep us going and prayer will get us there Insha Allah - God Willing!

Life is an amusement park when you're married to the clown!

I may have met you 12 years ago,
but you still continue to amuse me...

I told him to remember two things
only two things...
'put the boiler off...
throw the garbage out...'

yesterday he remembered the boiler...
when i came home the garbage was not thrown
today he remembered the garbage...
but the boiler was still on

So I'm laughing....!

A great leap forward!

I'm excited about my new job. All those emotions and feelings keep coming to you when you just want to sleep or think about nothing at all. It is not just a new routine but a whole lifestyle change for me. Parting from Haroon is the greatest difficulty. He is attached. Needs us in his visual atmosphere. This will be hard on him. The good thing is that I can have him in the same building and I can check on him whenever I am free. I hope and pray that this new journey goes on well for me. Getting back to school for my masters is the next thing I'm looking forward to. When the children are both in school, hopefully I will be too and then I can be with them when they are home. The kids should not be neglected. That is my main motive. Everything good in me is what Allah gave me so yes I feel this everyday, we should be spending every moment of our days on our knees just thanking him for the blessings, for having normal children, for not having deadly diseases, for not being in a car crash, cos you know what? It could have been me!

Adios until I write again!

Some days are good some days are...

I can't imagine how it has been almost an year since I last posted. The little time I get online is expended on mail, business research, forums and social networking for da'wah. Da'wah is invitation. And the Invitation, is to Islam. My facebook group which just started with a handful of my friends and family members, has over the years grown to a 516 member global network. Many of them, I have never met. Since keeping the group updated by myself was becoming a tedious task, I have delegated part of the administration to a young sister in Malaysia who is doing a wonderful job of it Masha Allah. Some day, my group that shares good words, charity projects and global Islamic issues will be a self managed organization. Insha Allah.

So here are the things that have been occupying my mind lately. The ethnic conflict in my country is just heartbreaking. We Sinhalese and Muslims have lived in peace for many years but recently there has been some uproar within these communities. I grew up with Hindu, Christian, Buddhist and Muslim friends.... we were like siblings. Our different religions and ethnicity never got in the way. It deeply disheartens me to see my fellow brothers and sisters in so much agony over an uncontrollable factor such as a race that you are born into. Shouldn't we humans be way ahead? Shouldn't this energy be going into far more productive causes? We should be colonizing the moon by now, not quarrelling over land.

On a more personal note, my mother's illness has made me realise just how much we take for granted in life. Do we really pause to thank God from the bottom of our hearts for the numerous 'have's or do we complain about the 'havenot's. Having watched an episode of Indian Hospital, and being moved to the point of tears... my only prayer is that life for these victims becomes easier.... the wisdom of which is known only to the Almighty. I miss my dad ever so much. His wise words and caring gestures ring in my heart. I wish I was closer to home to take care of them. I wish my children had more family and grandparents. Speaking of which, both the kids got sick. I was the final catch. The fever is terrible. You dont feel like eating or doing anything, yet you are a mother and have to.

The children are growing too fast too keep count. Life is a roller coaster ride. So when my patient husband takes the time to listen attentively to my vents and then compliment and cheer me, we remind each other that some days are good and some days are just better because there is more to be thankful for, than we can ever know or count!

Inna Ma al Usri Yusra!

Alhamdulillah!

At the end of the day most things are still left undone
I still procrastinate about my career
and dream about what I will do once the kids are in school
So many goals I did set for myself
But days have become years and and I'm still here

And If I don't get anything out of all this
and if i ever look back and feel
that all my dreams and ambitions went wasted because i had no time to fulfill them
at least I will be happy that I sacrificed my life
...for my children
that i was there for them...
a shoulder to lean on...
and outstretched arms for a hug
I read them stories and sang to them and danced with them and fed their meals
I was never to busy for hide and seek
or for a walk in the park
I enjoyed their laughter and cried inside every time i saw them cry...
and although I crave for some lone time or a break, deep down inside I know...
there is nothing I want to change.. My children are my life!

some good ones

the reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of a minute (or a hour if you are lucky)

anger is a thief who steals away nice moments!


reputation is what people think about you, charachter is what god and you know about you!