When I first came to this land... brave and free was very remote from what I was feeling... I was Lonely with a capital L.
I had never been lonely before so I didn't really understand its depths. My husband did what husbands usually do... disappearing back and forth to work and I took onto a life that was homebound, somewhat boring and adventure-less. Very much different from what I was used to. I had always been around people and friends and family and this strange feeling was something I tried to ignore. I found new hobbies and worked on things I had no time for before. I took a lot of getting used to and adapting. When the baby came, life became all about the baby but I was still extremely lonely. I had no choice about getting back to a career because for one - I had the babies and on top of that I was on an h4 visa. So I had to just wait out those five years. Sometimes I was irritable and annoyed and it was not the best years of my life. To top it off the winters were brutal and I realized cold was something I am never going to get myself to like.
Fast forward 12 years and I have not only gotten used to this different type of lifestyle of lonesomeness but in many ways actually enjoy the privacy and self time that it allows. I value my home life and love being home. The grass IS always greener isn't it? Of the things I enjoy, I mostly enjoy the freedom of being able to live life the way we would like to live it. We eat when we are hungry and sleep when we are tired and clean house when we feel like it or it gets messier than manageable. Some days are good, others are bad but most days are just ok and that's how it is supposed to be.
You see, there is really no point in having everything so rushed and well managed and well organized. People matter but not to the extent where you change your life to make them happy. I skipped a year at school and was the youngest in my class but what good did it do me?
Life will take its own course on you anyway. No matter what you do, bad and good events will take turns. Life is hard no matter what, then why make it harder by overburdening ourselves with useless activities that demand too much from ourselves when we are just a speck of dust in this universe. 100 years from now no one will even remember our names. Just imagine that and we worry so much about our reputations when we are alive. We need people and good relationships but its not worth dying trying to please everyone because we are literally dying... no matter what. lol
Life is hard enough without having to try so like my wise old spouse I decided to sit at the back seat and relax and be a passenger in the journey of life - not a driver. I worked so hard and tried to be perfect but life showed me that I have zero control over it. Since of late I have had various doubts about the one thing that always kept me together and that's my religion. I believe in God and the Prophet but I don't understand why so many things are so confused and why there are so many grey areas in key concepts.
I have learned not to stress over mundane matters. I have learned to relax and let things go. At the end of the day it simply is not worth it because life will take its course on you anyway. it took me a long time to reach this state of mind because I always tried to control everything that happened to me and at the end of the day all my hard work didn't matter and I just had to wait out things. So no, I wont push myself anymore, I wont wreck my children's childhood and I wont let bad memories happen for no reason... Happiness and fun is not everything and is definitely overated but we have to have fun.... its the one thing we love about being human, isn't it?
