Will You?

My shoulder will always be there
for you to cry on
My smiles will always be there
to cheer you up
My arms will always be outstretched
to give you a hug
My presence will always be felt
wherever you are
but I wish sometimes...
that you will be there
for me, too

Will it ever come back?

It was the first time I travelled through the eastern part of the island or at least I don’t remember if I have. Oh but Trincomalee, Muthur and Kinniya - yes on a familty tour soon after the ceasefire. My earliest imagination of what may have been the east of the country was war, blood shed, tears, refugees, soldiers, forests and fear. I wasn’t very far.

The sea wasn’t at it’s best behaviour at “Mareena Beach” – commonly referred to by the village folks. It was the only place they had had, to visit for some entertainment. The place doesn’t look very much worth it. The picture of what may have been before the tsunami struck is unimaginable. It has left us nothing to work back on.

Rows of graves, pieces of equipment, a picture frame here, an armchair there, clothes thrown about, weeping widows, very bad roads, flooded areas and a few children loitering around. Hmm… Every next thing you see seems to be worse than what you saw last and it makes you wonder… is it ever gonna come back?

Need drugs for depression

Went down there exactly three weeks ago to Galle. There is no need for description. The dead are dead and the alive are dying to live. My cousin says that if you visit for no reason at all it’s an insult. But I think that one may get the actual feel of the situation by seeing it through one’s own eyes. Besides there’s a lot you can do just by talking to the kids and being with the lost and lonely. The sea was calm. As if it had done nothing at all. Children were playing on what was once a railway line and the mothers had stories to tell that moved the toughest of hearts. The media doesn’t always paint the right picture. The destruction is worse, much worse… but there is no point mourning about the past when we need to rise for the future.

Now it’s about rebuilding lives and railways. Plan and design. Funds and a future. What remains may be little; but the strength of our minds and hearts have increased. The children are ours now. And we have come together as a truly united nation as we never have done in the past. Everyone is trying to look at it positively. From the songs and matches on tv till the homes designed for the survivors… everyone’s spirit is as high as the mountains and as deep as the oceans. A memory that will stay with us forever is slowly taking shape. People have slowly begun their normal lives and now I can read the papers and the sites without really having to blur my sight. This week, it’s gonna be Eid at Ampara with those who could or would have had a normal day.

Now…

As the street light take control in the night and as the shadows are slowly wiped away and as the sun takes over for each new day we as a nation become stronger and closer. Life is the most beautiful gift ever and to us all – whether Buddhist, Christian, Muslim or Hindu – the preciousness of life is equal. We have lived through bomb blasts and riots and war and calamity but we never stood together like we have this time. There is always hope and there is always the brightness of the day that follows the gloom of the night.

With my deepest sympathy and love to all of humanity…

Tsunamis

These are things that you read about and watch in movies only. These are things that are not supposed to happen in real life… no, never to neighbours and friends. So what was all that fuss about?

My cousins were down in Colombo on Saturday. We were planning on a girls night out which was unfortunately ruined by the one who claimed to be tired and sleepy after having missed two night’s sleep in noisy airports. As she was the oldest (mother of three) and the baby sitter - in spite of looking the youngest of us all – we had no choice but to give in. but we promised ourselves a treat the next day.

Well, only the next day wasn’t anything like we expected it to be. Two of the cousins had sprung out of bed early enough to get to Odel on time. About me – I was at home attending to a few neglected chores. My dad said we’ll do a one day’s trip down south. So finally something was coming out of my vacation besides boring shopping, and eating out.

And then the phone rings and I hear the chirpy voices of the folks at home. Only it wasn’t very good news at the other end. The phone line seemed to be busy for what seemed like ages. I was finally able to get my hands on it, to call a friend from school. I was trying to get through to her to get her to join our little trip. She didn’t believe a word of what I had to say. “April’s over” that’s all she said. Angry and unable to justify what I had said (news hadn’t reached the TV as yet) I hung up half hoping that a few sea waves would make it to her place at Wellawaththa. They (the waves) were just a little far away when I was thinking that. When I called again… the phone’s only rang.

At home… the relatives near the wild oceans were moving in and we were making arrangements for lunch and the night’s stay. My dad left to pick them up. He met with an accident was turned back by the heavy traffic, blocking the roads. So my grandma, aunt and kids were somewhere out there finding their way to a safer location. We just had to sit and wait and pray. The scenes were on TV by then and they were traumatizing. They arrived. I was shouting at the top of my voice for people not to panic. We were trying to get through to relatives in Galle. Sometimes the phones rang… Most time there were no connections. My uncle was in Trincomalee, they were rushing back. My mum kept talking about how we were planning on a vacation together and we couldn’t join simply because dada had no leave.

Me - being the one that is crazy about water and the sea – was disappointed by its unruly behaviour. Another “why” that we cannot answer!

Something’s going on inside the earth and people predict this will re-occur. Thousands of children and women didn’t have the strength to survive it. We are now trying to help the ones who were fortunate enough to escape, to get back on their feet while taking precautions. This day we shall remember for a long time.

+ Cross Roads +

Now what?

The biggest thing in my mind these days is getting ahead with my higher education from this point forward. It’s been an year since the degree was over and I’ve been doing nothing but thinking.. “where from here?” I hate it at the cross roads cause decisions and fate don’t go together. Anywayz, plans are needed for one to go on.

Adopted

I generally don’t post what is not original but I read this and cannot stop myself from sharing it…

Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember the other you call mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star. The other became your sun.
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name.
One gave you talent, the other gave you aim.
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.
One sought for you a home that she could not provide, the other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.
And now you ask me through your tears
The age-old question, unanswered through the years
Heredity or environment. Which are you a product of?
Neither my darling. Neither.
Just two different kinds of love.

Author Unknown

What it means to be adopted

Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had different colour hair from the other family members.

One child suggested that he was adopted, and a little girl named Jocelynn Jay said, “I know all about adoptions because I’m adopted”

“What does it mean to be adopted?” asked another child.

“It means,” said Jocelynn, “that you grew in your mother’s heart instead of her tummy.”

George Dolan

The worst part of this whole messy business is that there being no one to talk to. That is the reason why it is so difficult to come to terms and accept it. When new avenues are found old friends and family are gradually lost. You don’t keep in touch not because you don’t want to but you simply can not find the time to. I’ve been going to bed at 9:00pm these days and I still haven’t stopped the habit of going to bed with a book. The only difference the book happens to be sci-fi or horror at 9:00pm rather than some boring course text at 2:00am. What a change after the degree? It’s unbelievable but the part of there being no one to talk or work with is depressing. When your busy studying or with work you don’t feel it but when your minds empty you really wan go have coffee with an old friend. I miss you!

The End!

As I watch sitting at the doorway of the world
The setting of the sun
Only to wake another land
My cheeks upon my knees
And my head upon my heart

There on the shore
I scrape into my pale hand
The golden brown grains of sand
To which life was blown into
The grains which cloth my spirit and soul
The only matter that will accept my lifeless body

The salt of the sea
The warmth of the soil
The cooling sky
The only comfort

And as I sit here
I cannot help but wonder
How to put an end…
To the tragedy and trauma
Of the truth of this drama

Tomorrow will be another busy day
When I will come home just like everyone else will
Having nothing but four walls that can’t speak
And when night falls to bring the darkness so still…
It all comes back gushing
Burning the soul and melting the heart
All the joy and fun; All the lies and pain
Being cheated and stabbed
And treated like I’m nothing

Reward for the love that I so generously shed
All along it was her and not me
That’s not what really matters
What matters is he never told me
All the time he spoke of the ends of the worlds
And the mysteries of molecules and genes
And he never said a word
And I cared for him too much to see it coming

Crying out to the voices that needed help
Singing to children that needed a friend
Giving to the poor
And smiling for the deaf

And he left
With all the gifts I gave him lying there
on the floor… for days
I wonder how is heart let him hurt mine
How I could not see the falsehood in his eyes
Leaving everything behind, to him I turned
And now he’s gone, no where to be seen
Leaving me with this pain and taking my joy

Promises so pleasing
Gifts worth a fortune
Words of praise
And songs of bliss

In this rotten woeful world,
I am here without having been given a choice

Now I sit helpless with a heart-full of memories
I know there’s nothing left that I could do
To bring him back

I wait for the day that I die
Never wanting to continue this miserable circle of life
He let me down
And he broke his word
But still for some reason I cannot hurt him back
God, take care of him
And I hope he will be happier now, than
When he was with me.

I’m holding my head high and trying to walk again
And as I limp my way back to the old world
Having left with no choice
I turn back once to look at the black sky

And in that darkness, I still see the stars smiling back at me…

Is there any hope left?
In this miserable world…
And in my search of myself
I find, there’s nothing worth crying about
It’s me… and only me
The reason he left!

wasted

I think it is such a waste to have big brains and sit down under them not making a difference to the world. Passive observers are not really smart. They are cowards and not smart enough to raise issues or make a fuss about it. To make things worse they advice other people to follow the sickness. You weird creatures that think that sitting around telling other people what to do better give it a break and practise some of the preaching once in a while.

The Convocation

When I look back and think of those work-filled days and sleepless nights I can’t believe the FYP is actually over. There was a time that I thought I would NEVER be able to finish it. There were times when I just tore away everything in front of me into bits and pieces. There was a time that I even went crazy. Rowing through the tough times, all those little sacrifices on the way, stumbling upon stones. It wasn’t easy. The convocation brought back a lot of things… not just the fun filled days at APIIT but also the times back in school. One can not forget the first few steps that lead us here. The tea parties, the phone calls, the experiments in the lab, the imitating of the teachers, the grounds, the arguments, the cutting classes and hiding… a lot more that I would not even recall if not for my journal. Life can come in many disguises.

Hi People

Since of late, I’ve been up to quite a few things. Oh the graduation ball, the marking, the preparing, the convocation, the team meetings, the friends’ occasions, the family occasions, the occasional singing, writing, photography and the like. I am very slightly impressed by movies that don't move me. Photography runs in the blood. I like positioning things in different ways and taking pictures of them. I have a huge collection. There are minor details that you would never notice unless and until you see them in a pic. Often too marvellous to be ignored. Like for instance I took for granted most of the flowers that grow wild in our garden in my dad’s home-town in Kandy until I got some pictures and framed them up. It is a pity that little magical things all around us often go unnoticed. And oh the pets at home – so adorable to watch and photograph. Specially when they are playing or asleep or at a meal – that covers almost everything, doesn’t it? Wild animals are glorious too, but unfortunately I can not get close enough. Did I mention that I love lions and elephant and cats too? Pictures do speak a thousand words. They can bring back to life a forgotten moment or a lost friend. You can relive your whole life through an old album. (Have you tried looking at b&w pictures with grandparents?) Most people remember pictures a lot better than words. They are a lot of use when it comes to sign boards, advertisements and desktop icons. If only we paused to think…

The Dental Appointment

I’ve been visiting the dentist who unfortunately asks me questions that I can’t answer with my mouth wide open. And he’s been hurting me. Wonder what he looks like. He’s always got half his face hidden. And the mother thinks it’s time I learnt cooking and engage in a few more chores around the house. I’m kinda running out of excuses. (It’s not like I can’t cook at all but I don’t like being told around) I really don’t have time for anything more than the usual things that one must do. So when I’m told to put the cooker off that contains the dhal; I end up putting off the kettle before the water boils. Bad eh? Not to mention the thunder that follows about the rice being burnt or the water needing to be re-boiled. (Did I start with rice or dhal?) Too much on my head. To heavy to carry around. Have to sit down and think of a solution…

A lecture on Business Ethics

I was doing a lecture on business ethics and I asked my students this…

“If you were working for MIT and your spouse for Virtusa, and your company had come up with a unique recipe of creating a world class application would you share it with your family over dinner?”

To my surprise most of the students said that they wont. This proves that good people are still around. (Debatable) However the real debate started when the argument arose as to whether the spouse is more important than the company or vice versa. I guess the answer to which we may never know…

Caution – Danger Ahead!

I didn’t realize how much I had lost touch or how remote I had become in a matter of seven months. This used to be my home. The place where my heart was. My visit yesterday made me feel like a total stranger in a lost planet. There were all kinds of feelings and thoughts that were going through my head. My mind took a walk back into the days when there were so many things to talk about - time was all that we needed. Things to talk and songs to sing. The moments, when our minds were so free yet so heavy. I was patient enough to let people take their anger and stress out on me. I was smart enough not to talk but to listen. I was sad; just enough not to show it. Sometimes I feel terribly wrong. Wishing that I had thrown a few pebbles on the road that brought me here. I need the moon to shine with its borrowed light so I can find my way back home. But where is this home?

I did not bring any work home, today. A little tired of it. It is a pity that even my blog is not in my control and that I can not say what I want to. I don’t understand why there has to be so much of control and rigidity. I want to be born in a planet in which nobody cares and where there’s no such thing as wrong and right but just everything just neutral. Will there be any chaos then? Sometimes I try to imagine what death is like. Would it be relieving or would it take us to something worse? What is wrong with this world? Why do people see everything so negatively? I’m tired. There’s no cause to this mess and no end to this cycle.

Miscommunicated conclusions!

Ok, so I managed to get someone - I wasn’t referring to -, actually worked up a little. If you’re wondering what that was all about, it was about joining the academic sector. Didn’t wana blog in sometime but didn’t really think that my blogs were being read. Anyway there’s not much of point in reading each others blogs unless you actually learn something new. However it is interesting to find out what’s going on inside people. Perception and first impressions are so wrong sometimes. So coming back to the point of joining the academic sector… hmm yeah I did think about all the possible outcome. About academically inclined people being stagnant and theoretical. But on the other hand where would people be if there were no acs? I know that, that’s a pretty soppy thought. People don’t necessarily end up here coz they don’t have jobs else where. The talent of imparting knowledge to others is rare and greatly wanted. There are many who are good at learning things but just a few who are actually good at teaching it. Anyway I believe that the best person to judge a lecturer is the student itself. As for me.. I enjoy it – a passion by all means and that’s one of the reasons I’m here. I used to do it ever since about the sixth grade. My final year project was also based on an academic institution. The "almost" regret was for some other reasons - discouragement from people and the like. But who cares about people anyway? That’s supposed to be me. "Advice is appreciated but not necesserily taken into account. "Only, it’s hard to sometimes implement. Should go back and read my blog about people! For now I have some marking to do and the vivas really manage to get me down… ta ta!

Adios... and The Last one...

The previous blog was a result of a wise person saying something that was rude enough to hurt us. A person who forgot how he crawled, the moment he started running. We always stood by him faithfully. We put up with his rather amateurish criticisms and never went behind his back. If there was ever an issue we would always confront him directly even if it meant getting into his bad books... even if it meant earning a bad reputation for ourselves from the people around us. His faults we hid and his strengths we highlighted while looking up towards him as a fatherly figure who was there for us as a friend when the path was too thorny and as a guiding light when the path was to dark. But I guess one can not always expect people to be grateful in return. I was too emotionally attached in the moment that nothing made sense. I guess we all have our emotional weaknesses that erupt at sometime or the other. If you are ever treated in a way that you do not deserve just let it go and play the “I don’t care” attitude. Coz it’s really not worth caring about. Happy endings, flying carpets, walls made of chocolate and crystal castles only exists in fairy tales. All of a sudden I feel like I have travelled about a decade behind in time. I have to admit that I’m pretty embarrassed about the absurdities and immaturity in some of the past blogs I’ve posted. I am not going to blog for some time from now onwards. Some things really lose their shine with time! Good bye dear blog and thanks for being there at times when no one really seemed to be around!

To all the parents out there

I’m writing this in the middle of some research because I can’t sort of get this thing out of my head and it’s disturbing my work. Anywayz… This is to bring to the knowledge of many parents out there that good people are not born but made. The right time to make a person right or wrong is in his or her childhood. If you miss it then, it’s gone forever. Children are convinced by what people tell them and as they grow they realise the truth of it. It is ironical that a statement so obvious is so often neglected.

Life is not a tempest, nor is it a midsummer night’s dream. It is just a comedy of errors so take it as you like it.

Killer Secrets!

If a person claims to be open and transparent he/she should either fully adhere to it or not say it in the first place. People who say they have no secrets have the most. Their hearts are like mysterious treasure caves – only - the things you pick up, are not really gems. As for me I am not a completely open, nor a completely closed person. There are things that I wish not to disclose and there are others that I wish to share. Its a matter as simple as that. If people think they are being extraordinary by just claiming to be open and all sorts of everything that they actually are not and I think they are ought to shut up and stop giving a false impression of their personality. There’s no one in this world who can be 100% open even with the closest of friends or family. So there!

The Month of Self-control

So Ramadhan is here again...!
Fasting is for the total purification of the mind body and soul coupled with the right intention. Fasting did not originate with Islam. The Jews and the Christians were involved in fasting much before the coming of Islam. Islam however formalised and made it obligatory upon every healthy adult Muslim to observe fasting – controlling one’s self from worldly pleasure from dawn to dusk – and devoting one’s self in worship in the true spirit of Islam. Worship is not limited to mosques and prayer-places. It is rather the day-to-day life that one leads righteously. Although Ramadhan is known as the holy and blessed month, charity, prayer and all other forms of worship (doing good) is not limited to just these 30 days of the year; and should be enforced in every single day of our lives. Some people believe that religion is for the less intelligent well... each one is entitled to his/her own opinion. However, all religions speak of good things and the closer you stay to it, I guess the safer you are...

"Verily truth is from your lord, let him who will believe and let him who will disbelieve" (Quran 18:29)

Is variety really the spice of life?

Haven’t blogged in sometime coz it was hard to make time as well as nothing interesting enough to me, came up. It is interesting to try to learn and understand the minds and behavior of different people. Each one with their own specialties and weaknesses. It’s amazing we haven’t run out of combinations. Well we never know if they've been repeated.

With so much of ‘unusuality’ around, it’s amazing how everything becomes so usual and so boring with time. Even the things that mattered so much, don’t matter anymore.
Is it because new variety replaces the old?
Is too much variety good or bad?
Why are so many bored with blogging?
Why does time wear away everyting
Will I ever know the answers?
Is it worth the thought?